Gratitude: Contentment in the Midst of Conflict (Alma 34: 38, The Book of Mormon; John 8: 3-12, Holy Bible)

Tomorrow I will be speaking during the church service at the county jail, which I'm very excited about.  The topic is gratitude.  Here is the talk I wrote out in preparation, which I do so that I have done my part.  It is not the talk I will be giving.  I don't use notes.  When speaking in church, I think it's important to leave space for the spirit to speak to those that need it most (usually myself.)  An overly planned talk can get in the way of that.  But I record it here for my children and grandchildren.  Enjoy.

“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. 

And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.” 

― Maya Angelou, Celebrations: Rituals of Peace and Prayer

This is the second talk I've been asked to give on gratitude, and I'm not asked to speak often, so, clearly there is something I am to learn here that I'm not getting.   Consistency, would be my guess.  I am plenty grateful when everything is going my way, but tend to, like so many, throw tantrums (sometimes internally, sometimes externally), when an obstacle is tossed in the way. True gratitude is not based on circumstance.  It is a reverence for the entire experience of being, trials and all.

We all have obstacles.  God gave us life as an obstacle course.  Or maybe he just gave us life, and we perceive it as an obstacle course.   Either way, everyone in this life is on a separate journey.  Other than the love of God, nothing is equal.  Some are born into wealth; some are born into poverty. Some are born to good families; some are victims of abuse.  Some have good health; others live life in pain.  Some are born into democracies; others live under political oppression.  Some have good fortune; others endure one tragedy after another. Sometimes pain comes as a natural consequence; other times not.

So, who am I to speak on gratitude?  Who is anyone?  It's easy to preach an open heart when life is blossoming before you; it's not so easy listen when being devoured by strife.

However, it seems to me that gratitude that will not endure conflict is not gratitude at all.  It's simply the ego enjoying momentary false evidence that the ground beneath us is stable.  True happiness then cannot be built on circumstance.  Its foundation must sink into bedrock more substantial than the material world, which is always in flux.

But how do we find gratitude in the midst of pain or despair?  I've dealt with a lot of physical pain over the past year, and I'd be lying, if I said I was always grateful.  So, this is something I'm working on.  But, I've found a scripture that I think, if we follow it, will drive the pilings down into the bedrock and anchor us to something that isn't temporary.

That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you (Alma 34: 38, The Book of Mormon).

When two of my boys were to be baptized, I was asked to say either the opening or closing prayer at the meeting (I don't remember which), but I didn't feel worthy, so I prayed about it before hand.  I received what to me felt like a clear answer, not so much a voice, but a thought planted in my head that was not my own.  In my mind, I heard these actual words:  "You are not worthy, but say the prayer anyway."

The impression was strong enough that I felt comfortable saying the prayer.  During that prayer, I had a feeling come back to me that I had long forgotten, a feeling that had slipped away so slowly that I hadn't even noticed it was gone.  I'd simply learned to accept a numb feeling, a void, a constant unhappiness even at what should be the most joyful moments in my life.  I'd completely forgotten that as a child I was generally happy.  It rushed in with great force, and I just had this inner awareness--I am happy.  It was so strong, I was on cloud nine for a couple of weeks until I became use to it.  It felt like when you first fall in love without all the worries of "Does she really like me?"  I knew my Heavenly Father loved me profoundly.  With the return of the Holy Ghost, there was no question about that.

Over the years, I had contended against the Holy Ghost by not following the commandants and over time had lost my connection to the joy the Holy Ghost brings.  For me, it is pretty hard to have gratitude on a daily basis without the assistance of the Holy Ghost.  If I'm not living my religion to the best of my ability, small troubles become big issues in a hurry.  I'm irritable, critical and cynical.  Whereas, when I am living right, troubles seem like inconveniences, and I'm usually able to maintain inner peace even if I don't like what I have to deal with.

The next part of the scripture says, "that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatever place ye may be in."  That could refer to physical location, but I think it means more.  It means, as long as we are humble enough to let Christ enter our hearts, and worship God, he accepts us "in whatever place" we are in, spiritually speaking.  Humility, rather than a sin-free life, is the phone connection with God.  Once we know God's love, we must forsake our sins or we no longer have the humility to listen to Him. But Christ does not mandate a level of worthiness to enter the road to happiness.  We may enter the strait and narrow path to eternal salvation at any point we become sick of the darkness of sin.

 My personal experience is that He will listen to us and provide us help even if we are throwing a temper tantrum, so long as we are at that place where we are willing to let in His light.  There was one night in the mid-nineties when I staggered down Mesa Street in El Paso cursing God and screaming, "I want to die" at passing cars. I was serious.  The dull void in my life had grown so big, I saw no reason to live.  I would have ended my life that night if I hadn't been scared. The next morning, I just felt a calm presence say, "Go home, start over."  There was no judgement, just love and empathy.  "Go home, start over."  

I testify to you that there is nothing you could have ever done in your past that would make you unworthy of God's love now.  That is the power of Christ, of grace, of the atonement.  His love is immediate:

3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

 4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

 5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

 6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

 7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

 8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

 9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest,even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

 10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

 11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

 12 ¶Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.  (John 8: 3-12)

The world might require restitution; the world might require justice; the world might require punishment.  For some sins, even the church requires penance, not as punishment, but as a means of assistance, of healing, of restoration of the spirit, but Christ requires nothing more than a commitment to get up, dust yourself off, walk out of the darkness, and enter the light. Grace is not earned; it is given; and therefore it is immediate.  That doesn't mean one doesn't have to right wrongs before being fully worthy of the gospel again, but it does mean one has the right to receive the help of the Holy Ghost as soon as one's heart is open for assistance.

The next part of the scripture states, "that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you."  In order to remain teachable, we must honestly evaluate where we are, and as we all fall very short of perfection, we must know that we truly are saved by the mercy of Christ, that we are blessed by the atonement, and that everything we have is a result of His love.  When we are in that place of true gratitude, consistently walking the strait and narrow path takes care of itself.  It is only when our ego creeps in, when we denounce our short comings, when we complain about our lot, that we are in danger again of wandering off into the darkness.

I pray that we may always listen to the Holy Ghost; that we take the name of Christ upon us; that we humble ourselves and worship Him to the best of our ability; and that we show Him gratitude daily.  For this is the foundation of true happiness and everlasting joy.  

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

  

   

Reading the Book of Mormon Daily, Journal #1: The Deep Whisper and the End of the God-Shaped Void

 

It's a cold, wet day after a week of rain.  There is nothing I'd like more than to walk down along the canyon bottom along the jeep trail, walking over wet, polished river stone, water bubbling along the sides of the road through deep green scouring rush, narrow-leaf cottonwood towering overhead, and the sound of Chalk Creek churning some ways off in the distance.  But due to an illness I've had for almost a year, I will have to sit here in my recliner and dream of that experience which is not more than a block away.  And yet, overall, I'm satisfied.

Walking has always been a significant part of my life.  When I lived in El Paso, I'd walk for miles deep into Juarez, Mexico, camera in hand, searching, longing, looking for a deep connection to life.  A little girl in a red dress waiting to use the family outhouse on a chalky, loose hillside above the Rio Grand.

Or even in what I considered the soulless suburbs of North Dallas, I was always walking, searching.  And at the time of the walk, life had meaning; I was connected.  Heat-heavy trees, sound of cicadas, sound of lawn mowers, block after block of perfectly still, seemingly empty track housing, the occasional Rainbird sprinkler ticking--during the walk, it all had meaning.

But then there was all the numbness after returning home.  Much of this, I'm sure, had to do with being shy, of not being able to connect with people other than my brother and a few close friends.

But, I'd also been shy as kid and was happy.

No, something changed, something happened.

I didn't know then what, but I do now.  I'd lost the Holy Ghost.   

That does not mean I'm constantly euphoric now.  I get frustrated at not being able to do what I want.  I'd love to get outside today and dig deeply in the dirt, plant the cherry tree and Japanese maple we bought last week.  But, I can't.

But it's different--there are moments of dissatisfaction, disconnection, anger, questioning Why me? in a sea of overall mental tranquility and satisfaction.  Rough times aren't so rough now.

Before I walked with a void trailing me around, a God-shaped hole, a blackness beating out the anthem articulated so well by Hemingway: nada y pues nada.

This is why so many people who read The Book of Mormon convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Our missionaries do not convert anyone.  Not even the words in The Book of Mormon convert.  Although the book, from a literary perspective, is much greater than the world gives it credit for, its eloquence is not its power.  Its power is in closing the void between God and man, in punching holes through the veil, in allowing the Holy Ghost to whisper all is well.

Last Sunday, we went to my niece's blessing in a ward (local unit of the church) up in Salt Lake.  I was hurting, in a bad mood, and very critical.  One of the members of bishopric kept nodding off to sleep.  It looked like the teenagers passing the sacrament had all stayed up too late and didn't want to be there--and this was after 1:00 in the afternoon!

I kept saying to myself, dang this ward needs help.  But, I was dead wrong.  It was fast and testimony meeting, which is like an open-mic meeting, for church.  And not long after the first couple of testimonies, I looked up and saw the previously slumbering member of the bishopric's face contorted with emotion, trying to hold back the tears.

It's hard to explain that, unless you've felt it.  It's not sadness.  It's actually deep joy.  But not how we experience joy in everyday life--because it's not connected to outside events.  I has nothing to do with how well your day is going.  It's a deep, intense whisper--life has meaning, your being here has a purpose, and there are truths so profound your mortal body could not begin to handle them and this moment is but a glimpse of the glory to come.

That is how The Book of Mormon converts.  True, the missionaries do try to sell you the gospel, as well as members do, like I'm doing now.  But that's not how it works.

It's a deep whisper that occurs while reading, or praying afterwards, or after attending church meetings on faith alone, that will eventually bring tears to your eyes--this is true. 

It may come easy.  It may be quite the struggle.  It may come all at once.  Or it may come in small little bursts.  (It took me nearly a decade of earnest searching to regain the testimony I had as a child.) But, it is promised.  All who will read and study the book with a sincere heart will come to know it's truth:

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

--Moroni 10:3-4, The Book of Mormon

Of this, I testify in the name of Jesus Christ.

Precious Promises of The Book of Mormon